What you shouldn't say to the unemployed

Please don't pity me.

I recently read an article about what to and not to say to a person who is grieving for a loved one.  As I read the article, I saw striking similarities between the grief one experiences with death and losing their job.


In the movie Up in the Air, George Clooney plays a Career Transitions Specialist, who has the grim duty of firing and letting go of people from their jobs.  It's a fantastic film, and well timed having hit the theatres right after the 2008 recession where many people lost their jobs.  In one of the more dramatic scenes in the film, Clooney's character Ryan, coaches a man who's angered by his termination and tells him to look at this situation as a rebirth.


I remember my first experience with a mass layoff - I was at my first agency, all bright eyed and naive to the fact that things like lay offs happen.  Being friends with most people in my workplace, I thought, hey, if you did your job, you'd have a job.  Cue the big Family Feud X button sound and my first "holy crap" moment of advertising.  It was February 2007, I had just been hired as a full time Account Executive the month before after being an intern, and I walked into work on the Tuesday morning full of rainbows and sunshine.  It wasn't until 1030am that I started to realize that something wasn't right, and by the time noon hit, an email went out saying that X number of people were no longer working at the agency and that they were thanked for their service.  I was freaking out internally, but everyone around me didn't bat an eye.  You see, this was so common for them that this attrition email could have been another all-staff about the coffee machine being broken, which in fact would have probably caused more sensationalistic responses.  


While upset, news like this didn't hit as hard as when it happens to people you truly care about, which it did about six months later, when a great friend of mine got fired and I was floored.  I don't think I personally recovered from that news and it certainly left a bitter taste in my mouth, in particular to those responsible for the firing.  No matter, that lovely friend of mine got to live her dream, moved to Paris, and is now more successful than ever (what a rebirth!)


That's the thing with sudden unemployment, while it feels like you've lost a big part of you, there's still an opportunity to start anew.  I'm fortunate that I have never experienced being fired or made redundant, I've voluntarily placed myself in "fun"employment.  However, having experienced friends and colleagues go through the turbulence that is unemployment, I've put a list together of my own of how to treat those that are going through their own transition period.  (PS - this also applies to people who've voluntarily left the workforce...don't treat us like this either.)


DON'T pity them.  We all do it, the pity face.  There's the slight kiss of the teeth, tilt of the head, scruntching of the brow, and sloutching of the shoulders before you reach across the table and cradle their hands with yours with a light shake.  "No touching!" (that hilarious line from Arrested Development) should be strictly enforced when consoling a funemployed friend.  Pity shows the fact that you're in a superior position, another reminder they don't need at the moment.  So drop the looks and the feigned sadness, and smile - that will give them hope that things will be better.

Please don't treat me as if I'm poor.

DON'T treat them as if they're poor.  A friend of mine who I went to coffee with before I left Toronto and I had a great laugh about this point.  She is also in a "fun"employment stage in her life and re-evaluating what is important for her and what's next in her career.  During her conversations with previous coworkers over meals or coffee, an awkward moment comes up at the end of the meal when the other person says, "That's okay, I'll get this one.  You can treat me when you start making money again."  Just because there is not a steady flow of income coming in, does not mean the funemployed are suddenly destitute.  While good intentioned, by taking away their power of paying for their own meals, you take away that person's independence and confidence that they can do things on their own.  If you're a caring friend, rather than a meal out where a bill might cause this predicament, be creative, invite them over for a homecooked meal, or better yet, bring a bottle of wine over to their house and have a nice laugh over 2 or 3 glasses of Jesus juice.  This nice gesture will be appreciated and your funemployed friend will not be the wiser of how you're treating them to a free meal.


DON'T avoid the subject or go to the extreme of always talking about it.  Very similar to helping your friend grieve a death, this point requires tact and an ability to balance your conversations with your funemployed friend.  Avoiding the subject makes you look like you don't care about the situation and going overboard just reminds them that they are stuck in a shitty situation.  Laughter is always appreciated, so is a lot of alcohol.  Be natural and the way you were with them before they got the boot.  


DON'T ask "So... what did you do with your time today?"  Because if you do, don't be surprised when they snap back at you with "I did fucking nothing, okay?!" and run off crying.  So they have a lot of time on their hands, there's no need to remind them of that.  The best thing to do is let them lead a discussion on what their day's activities were or try a different approach like:  "what are your thoughts on doing something fun soon?" - this will either lead them into a discussion on agreeing to do something fun to fill their time or allow them to tell you that they're actually busy with something else.  


After experiencing about 5 or 6 major layoffs during my time at agencies, these four points have been my guiding principles when helping friends through their transition.  You might not agree with some, it'll be great to hear your perspective as to why you do not agree.