Drunk Laundry

When you're funemployed, the everyday mundane activities around the house need that extra kick.  That extra kick really means +1 on the alcohol.  Let's all agree - drinking while doing housework just makes the time pass by faster, it's like you weren't doing any work at all.  And it isn't until the next morning that you realized you actually didn't do any housework because you've passed out while Swiffering the floor and actually made more of a mess because you spilled wine everywhere.  Oh well, the maid will get that spot out.


So after swinging by Costco tonight and picking up two fuel can containers of Tide (with Actilift...ohhhhh, fancy!), four boxes of Bounce (static cling really irks my family) and a vat of Margarita mixer, the stage was set for drunk laundry night.


First, it was whites.  Now, whites (the clothes, not the people) are quite delicate and they can become dull quickly if not treated with care (we're still talking about the clothes right?)  Drunk laundry is quite counterproductive when it comes to keeping your whites their brightest.  Trying to hold the wine goblet with one hand while trying to throw in the load of laundry with the other, you're bound to spill a little.  The Hindu Gods got it right, multiple arms really do come in handy.  No worries about that wine, a shot glass full of bleach should get that nasty stain out.  WARNING - DO NOT DRINK FROM THAT SHOTGLASS AFTER.


While waiting for the whites, it was time to open up that Margarita mixer.  Due to the fact that my family is a bunch of alcoholics, a bottle of Jose Cuervo was hiding right behind the the columns of whisky bottles in the "alcohol pit" behind the dining room table.  With a healthy serving of tequila (cough) *half-glass* (cough), some ice and then the mix, the first swig nearly knocked me out.  Apparently, after a month in Taiwan, I've forgotten how to read English - the mix already had tequila in it.  Fuck it.  There were two other loads to get through, I can sip it, right?


After cleaning up after Margarita Madness, the whites were done.  Well, thank god for that Actilift shit and bleach, not one wine stain to be found.  Light colours were next - and as I lifted all of the light colours into the machine, I silently cursed myself for my fondness of light coloured clothing and made a mental note to only buy whites or dark coloured clothing to avoid three loads.  That mental note was quickly wiped away with the next chug of my drink - which I nicknamed Amnesia (no explanation required).


With the whites rolling around in the dryer, and the other load in the washer, it was time for some drunken Draw Something, this great new game I was talked into adding.  It didn't help that I could likely now light a fire with my breath, but my drawings grew progressively worse and worse with each sip of Amnesia.


So it's midnight, and it has taken me about an hour to try to type this entry without massive amounts of spelling or grammar mistakes.  I can barely stand and I doubt I'll get to the darks before I pass out.  Three things I pray for tonight:


1) That the dryer doesn't blow up because I forget to remove the lint from the lint trap before pressing START.
2) That the wet clothes in the washer won't smell like wet rags tomorrow (it happens a lot here).
3) That I'll remember I was doing laundry last night tomorrow morning.


(hiccup) Time to hit PUBLISH.  G'night.

What I'll Miss About Toronto: #21 - The Inappropriate Things About Advertising

It's been a full week since I've been able to post - as much as I want to blame work for not being able to put my thoughts towards this blog, I can only blame myself.

On the topic of work, this is my last week of advertising (ever?) - counting down the days seem surreal. I've left other workplaces before, but this time it's different. I won't be starting anywhere new - I will be funemployed (by choice, I might add).

This leads me to think about some of the great things I get to do at work and to be my crazy, eccentric self without having HR breathing down my neck. Here's just a couple of things I get to do at work that make other people both judge me and secretly (and sometimes openly) envy me.

(1) Forward Inappropriate Photos and Viral Videos

Why are people in advertising some of your coolest friends? It's because they are always the first to get the viral video forwards and then finally share with you non-industry folks on Facebook. One of my favourite photos of all time was forwarded to me by a co-worker, it made me crack up for about 5 minutes and it's a t-shirt having fun with Tourettes. In fact, I bet you if you search all of the reaction videos to 2 Girls, 1 Cup, the three biggest demographics would be teenagers (obvs), military (they are a bit messed up with all that war stuff) and ad people (we do it for the shits and giggles - no pun intended).

I believe at other companies, this would be flagged and you'll get a warning email from IT and HR. Cunts.

(2) Drinking is OK because we have a beer / spirits client

One of my friends asked me about five months ago at dinner, "Terence, honestly, how much do you drink every week?" In her eyes, I saw some true concern while waiting in anticipating the answer. When I said, I probably drink about 7 - 8 drinks a week (1 per day, really folks), her face fell. I guess she was thinking I would say about 15 - 20.

Alright, Mad Men has certainly helped perpetuate the fact that we are consistently drunk. It doesn't help that we have a party for absolutely about any occasion - someone's goodbye party (drink), Christmas (drink), a new client win (drink), showing up to work (drink).

But look, when you have a client that is a beer or liquor manufacturer / distributor, you have the obligation to help support that client, just like I do with any other Clients I've worked on (well, with the exception of that time I worked on hair colouring).

We work hard, we play hard and we show up the next day (with dark sunglasses and the garbage can placed strategically near our feet).

(3) We're mean and judgmental (and like making close to the line racist comments).

At the casting session I was at today, I looked down at my notes and was so shocked that I could write such blunt comments down - if ever expressed to that actor directly, I am pretty sure it would reduce him to tears. But hey, if you're saying it, it's likely others will too; as agency folks, we have to be critical.

Besides casting, there's just some other fun moments that help break up tense moments at work - those moments where you really need a joke to help elevate everyone's spirits again. Thankfully, I've been able to leverage my ethnic background to help lighten the mood. Using a Chinese accent while saying "Oh solly, so solly" or exiting stage left like a Japanese Geisha while pretending to play the mandolin has always worked for me to get people to do what I want. Now that that secret's revealed, I guess I can't use it anymore. Shit, now I have to get the old rice hat and planter's outfit out of storage.

Boy, I can go on and on, but I'll likely get myself and other people in trouble - this should be enough to keep you slightly entertained. Whatever, I'm sure there will be even more incriminating blogs coming out soon. Just you wait until my "Things Good Bosses Do" post.