A Reminder of Why I Made the Right Decision

Just under a week ago, those of Chinese decent ushered in the 4710th year of the Lunar calendar and the beginning of the Year of the Dragon. Chinese New Year, the most important day of any Chinese household, was celebrated with everything decorated in red, pocket envelope money and hours and hours of eating meals with family. In fact, it is so important to Chinese people, it causes the largest human migration on Earth every year - when migrant city workers in China travel back from major cities to their home villages for their once a year visit with their families.

Like all new year's celebrated by cultures around the world, it is a time for throwing out past grievances and looking towards the future. It couldn't have come at a better time for me as I start this new leg of my journey in life. On CNY day, my family called at 10pm on Jan 22 (it was already CNY half way around the world) to wish me a happy new year. It was one of the first times, that I got choked up talking to my family. (Note: that's them all at my Uncle's house in Taichung right before they called me. They like printing out signs on the computer - they tell me that's how much they know about technology. I giggled.)

A few people know my family background - ironically, I'm not one to share a lot about my personal life (I can hear you scoffing: "um, that's not what my Facebook newsfeed says."). My family, my relationships and even my friends from different social groups have been kept separate and out of the public limelight. It's not that I don't love any of those parts of my life, I just have a tough time expressing my love for those people. My hope is that with this new year, my new adventures, and this new blog, I can start sharing some of that with you.

My family has always been divided. The one thing Asian families don't do well is talk about problems openly with one another, rather, they all like to gossip to others, which causes more drama. Confrontations are explosive, excommunication is common - your run of the mill soap opera (with chopsticks). My mom and dad's relationship in the beginning (from what I've been able to piece together from various family members and momentos) had been a happy one. What I've determined is that when I came along, and the strong duty that they felt to provide me with a better life than the one they had, eventually led to them drifting apart and carved out my families journey to the present.

My parents and I landed in Canada on Feb 28th, 1989 (fatefully, I am leaving the same day for Taiwan 23 years later - SIGN FROM ABOVE!). We moved in with my mom's parents until we found a home in Scarborough, at the corner of McCowan and Finch. Life was good, until I was in grade 3. My dad hadn't adjusted to Canada as the language barrier was causing him to have trouble finding work in his field, and he missed his family in Taiwan. My mom, who had all of her support system here, couldn't bear the thought of returning. These factors, added with the stress of my brother just being born, caused a fracture - one that they were never able to repair. They divorced, Dad left Canada for Taiwan two years later, and my mom became a single mother, determined to raise my brother and I by herself and do whatever she can to give us the tools to succeed.

I've written about my mom before. She was, and still is, my hero. Not a day goes by where I don't think about what she sacrificed to give my brother and me a better life and everytime I think about it, I can't help but miss her and cry. We lost her 12 years ago to cancer and to see her fight the disease because she was so determined to see my brother and I reach 18 was truly inspirational and sadly, heartbreaking knowing she wasn't able to do so.

It was my close connection with my mom and her family that caused a rift with my dad. As I've grown and matured, I've begun to understand how much that rift has caused my dad to be upset that he doesn't have a better relationship with my brother and myself. For a while, my dad and I didn't speak, and he actually didn't find out about my mom's death until two years after she had passed. To this day, he is heartbroken, both at the fact that he found out so late and that he wasn't able to say goodbye to the woman he still loves.

Divorce is always a tough situation and it is one of the worst things to happen for children of a young age. I certainly didn't have the full understanding of why it happened (and still don't to this day) and with parents who act like children through a divorce as they battle it out, it's the children who come out as the losers. I don't blame my mom for what what her and her side of the family did during the divorce - they were protecting their own. But sadly, what they took away from me and my brother with their actions was getting to know and be closer with my dad and his family.

Some of my earliest memories have been happier moments with my grandmother (my Ahma - or my dad's mom) who has made me her favourite since the day that I was born. Whenever I go back to Taiwan, she and I always go for lunch and she tells me stories about what I used to do as a child - always the attention seeker, but always well behaved. Her stories help conjure up hidden memories of when I was 3 or 4 years old and how she took me to her mahjong games and to temple. But I've always wondered how many other memories I could have had if everything worked out between my parents.

When I heard my family's voice over the phone last Sunday, I couldn't help to think about what's left for me here in Toronto. Everyone on my mom's side of the family is gone - my uncle, grandfather, mom and grandmother have all passed. I only have my brother, who's doing great at U of Guelph, and my aunt is in Los Angeles. It wasn't until speaking to my aunt about my plans to travel that I started getting a quiver in my voice when speaking about how sad I am that there's really no one left here except for my brother and I. It was a hard truth to face, that all this time, one of the reasons why I was unhappy was that I felt so alone and apart from my kin.

Their photos and love from across the Pacific reinforces my decision to take off and spend more time with them. I've only been back to Taiwan four times since my family immigrated here. Each time was only for a week or two, barely enough to connect and understand that there are so many other people who love me, half a world away. I am so grateful for this chance to be able to go back, this time for a long period of time. I will laugh, eat and drink with them and try to catch up on all of those memories I haven't been able to capture until this point in my life. I cannot wait to see my Ahma again, who at close to 80 years of age and with 3 surgeries under her belt this year, is as spry as I am. I cannot wait for the chance to go to Tibet with my dad and one of my uncles, and have them point out random, crazy facts they know because it makes them feel happy doing so.

Wow...that was a lot to share - I think there are things in this posts my closest and best friends don't even know. I hope to share more of my fun times with you about my family in my adventures this year. Like everything since 2012 started, this blog has been difficult to write - tears were shed, it's been edited several times and time was spent flipping through old photo albums. I hope all of you take the time to appreciate those family members around you, who have added so much to your life experience to this point and take the time in this year of the Dragon to connect with those you haven't had the chance to. Take this opportunity before the chance to do so slips away.